Baking Lessons

Yesterday I decided I bake an apple pie. Simple enough, right? But never having done so before I felt like it would be a fun challenge–no matter how it turned out. Worse case scenario I’d just pitch it and learn from my mistakes. (a “what if…?” mindset workaround.) When I went to Jewel to buy…

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Out on a Limb

As a two-time amputee Ken was intimately familiar with the loss of a limb. He often told a story from college when he stood up while not wearing his prosthetic to grab a book off the shelf and forgetting he wasn’t wearing his leg, took a step to walk across the room rather than sit…

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Words of My Own

I have struggled with words (among many other things) this week since the loss of my husband, lover, and best friend Ken. As someone who is accustomed to documenting my feelings, it’s been uncomfortable to be unable to access my “writing voice.” Clearly, I’m bereft. And aside from a loss of words at a loss…

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Stop All the Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,Silence the pianos and with muffled drumBring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overheadScribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,Let the traffic policemen…

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Long Walks & Purple Socks

Ken has been sleeping more and more, and my keyboard clicks away he has been sleeping 15+ hours. My mother-in-law (Mama Jo) arrived on Thursday evening after a few conversations updating her and the rest of the family in California about the recent changes I’ve noticed in Ken’s condition. It was a big relief for…

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Step by Step

A friend recently likened dealing with kenan’s terminal cancer diagnosis to a staircase. Each change in his condition defines the “new normal”. But before this new normal is accepted there is shock, denial, pain, and then acceptance until the next “step” comes and the process is repeated. I thought it was simple and brilliant. It…

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Blog Day Afternoon

(Ken booked ended by my folks on the left, and his folks on the right.) It’s a funny thing to be gay and fall in love in one’s early thirties. Your personality is pretty much fully “baked”. You know who you are for the most part, and have an established group of friends. This was…

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Small Victories

The other day, I had a rare luxury. Ken was insistent upon taking his folks and aunt who was visiting for the afternoon for a trip to Michael’s to pick up some craft supplies for one of his several current projects. Everyone seemed to be on board. I asked about my role in this adventure,…

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ctrl+alt+delete

I took a walk the other day. It was the first walk of what might be called “spring”–were it to actually show up. Rather than taking the opportunity to run errands or accomplish anything, I was acting on the advice of my sage therapist who suggested taking time away each day–just for me. The house…

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The Journey

I think the journey with my husband kenan’s cancer has been the most important one I’ve ever embarked on. Though not about me directly, it certainly has impacted my life and how I view the world. I’ve danced around the subject in previous blog entries, but wasn’t sure if–or how much–I wanted to write about…

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