A Better Day

Good days should be acknowledged. And today was one of those days. No tears came today–not that that would have been a bad thing. But for the time being appears i’ve reached my quota of saline production. I made the conscious choice to not work on the memorial soiree, though my “to do” lists are…

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The Day

Today is my birthday. I knew it would be difficult–for multiple reasons. Acknowledging–let alone celebrating–my birth when I so recently lost Ken didn’t hold much interest for me. Aside from that, and even more importantly, Ken always made my birthday special–just by being himself. Whether he pulled out all the stops for my 40th birthday…

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Building and Stumbling

I returned to work yesterday. It was a daunting feat, but a necessary one. I’d submerged myself in alone-time last week to ensure I could feel the full gamut of emotions I needed to feel. I gave them their due. I kept busy but allowed myself moments/hours to feel what I felt. But by Sunday…

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Baking Lessons

Yesterday I decided I bake an apple pie. Simple enough, right? But never having done so before I felt like it would be a fun challenge–no matter how it turned out. Worse case scenario I’d just pitch it and learn from my mistakes. (a “what if…?” mindset workaround.) When I went to Jewel to buy…

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Out on a Limb

As a two-time amputee Ken was intimately familiar with the loss of a limb. He often told a story from college when he stood up while not wearing his prosthetic to grab a book off the shelf and forgetting he wasn’t wearing his leg, took a step to walk across the room rather than sit…

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Words of My Own

I have struggled with words (among many other things) this week since the loss of my husband, lover, and best friend Ken. As someone who is accustomed to documenting my feelings, it’s been uncomfortable to be unable to access my “writing voice.” Clearly, I’m bereft. And aside from a loss of words at a loss…

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Stop All the Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,Silence the pianos and with muffled drumBring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overheadScribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,Let the traffic policemen…

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Long Walks & Purple Socks

Ken has been sleeping more and more, and my keyboard clicks away he has been sleeping 15+ hours. My mother-in-law (Mama Jo) arrived on Thursday evening after a few conversations updating her and the rest of the family in California about the recent changes I’ve noticed in Ken’s condition. It was a big relief for…

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Step by Step

A friend recently likened dealing with kenan’s terminal cancer diagnosis to a staircase. Each change in his condition defines the “new normal”. But before this new normal is accepted there is shock, denial, pain, and then acceptance until the next “step” comes and the process is repeated. I thought it was simple and brilliant. It…

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Blog Day Afternoon

(Ken booked ended by my folks on the left, and his folks on the right.) It’s a funny thing to be gay and fall in love in one’s early thirties. Your personality is pretty much fully “baked”. You know who you are for the most part, and have an established group of friends. This was…

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