Examining my life–observing it–and writing about it have been a staple for me since starting this blog in 2010. I think it’s what writers do. We tell stories–whether fiction or our own. For so long it’s been second–almost, first nature–to document my journey. Oddly, it was Ken’s illness and death that acted as a lens of sorts, focusing my writing. It’s a gift that is so very “him.”
As a writer, I’m certain I spend too much time in my head (and at my computer)–as was pointed out to me by a match.com date upon our first and only meeting a couple of months ago. It didn’t bother me that he was right, it bothered me that within an hour of meeting me, he felt compelled to tell me this. That date will go down in my history is a slow motion train wreck that couldn’t end quickly enough. I think I even began dragging it out, knowing he was as ill-at-ease as I was. Just to punish him. Ah…dating.
Sometimes I feel like I get bogged down in living my life within the framework of loss. Marking milestones and anniversaries in Ken’s life or our life together. But what it really is, is finding the balance between moving forward in my life while remembering and honoring my life with Ken. It’s like playing a game you’ve never played before. Every rule is new. Some are common sense. And others don’t reveal themselves until you breach them.
What I’ve blissfully realized lately is that I’ve been too busy actually living and being engaged in my life to write about it. It isn’t really a surprise as much as a reassurance that I’ve reached a place at one time I could never imagine as possible. In some ways it feels wonderful, and other times it’s hard to believe I haven’t always felt like this. I can’t help but think of it a kind of sign that I’m entering a new phase of my journey.
As I work harder to get back to blogging weekly–and figuring out what exactly I’ll be blogging about–I’m curious to see what this new phase will bring. What I know for certain is I’m not in the same place I was a year ago, a month ago or even yesterday. And it feels right.