the xanax diary

love, loss, healing and humor (in no particular order)

The Ebb and Flow


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Examining my life–observing it–and writing about it have been a staple for me since starting this blog in 2010. I think it’s what writers do. We tell stories–whether fiction or our own. For so long it’s been second–almost, first nature–to document my journey. Oddly, it was Ken’s illness and death that acted as a lens of sorts, focusing my writing. It’s a gift that is so very “him.”

As a writer, I’m certain I spend too much time in my head (and at my computer)–as was pointed out to me by a match.com date upon our first and only meeting a couple of months ago. It didn’t bother me that he was right, it bothered me that within an hour of meeting me, he felt compelled to tell me this. That date will go down in my history is a slow motion train wreck that couldn’t end quickly enough. I think I even began dragging it out, knowing he was as ill-at-ease as I was. Just to punish him. Ah…dating.

Sometimes I feel like I get bogged down in living my life within the framework of loss. Marking milestones and anniversaries in Ken’s life or our life together. But what it really is, is finding the balance between moving forward in my life while remembering and honoring my life with Ken. It’s like playing a game you’ve never played before. Every rule is new. Some are common sense. And others don’t reveal themselves until you breach them.

What I’ve blissfully realized lately is that I’ve been too busy actually living and being engaged in my life to write about it. It isn’t really a surprise as much as a reassurance that I’ve reached a place at one time I could never imagine as possible. In some ways it feels wonderful, and other times it’s hard to believe I haven’t always felt like this. I can’t help but think of it a kind of sign that I’m entering a new phase of my journey.

As I work harder to get back to blogging weekly–and figuring out what exactly I’ll be blogging about–I’m curious to see what this new phase will bring. What I know for certain is I’m not in the same place I was a year ago, a month ago or even yesterday. And it feels right.

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4 thoughts on “The Ebb and Flow

  1. I’ve read this over and over, because it looks simple on the outside, but it is loaded with wisdom. It’s the kind of piece that makes me long to sit down with coffee and bullshit with you for an afternoon or evening. Thank you for making us all think.

  2. As always, thanks for the thoughtful comment, Matthew. I had drafted this post weeks ago to try to express how I’ve been feeling. And kept trying to work on it to bulk it up, but I couldn’t find any more words that would add value. I’m glad the message came through.

  3. Ron, as a fellow writer, I understand the comments about being too much in your head. My whole life I have been told “You are too serious!”, without understanding why others had a problem with something that did not bother me in the least about myself. Some people will get it, and others won’t. At times when I was using dating sites, I would read the profiles VERY carefully to get a hunch about whether or not this person would “get” me. These folks seem to be rare. But I think that it is a good development that you are living in your life more, because that is movement toward something–who knows what–but something. I will be curious to read about what you find.

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